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***The turkey is angry/sarcastic/bitter that turkeys are killed and eaten on Thanksgiving.
Please read in a way you think a turkey might sound like if it could talk! (And whatever will be most entertaining/humorous - high energy? hyper? whatever you think works after you've read the script).
***After the first intro-line, the pace should be relatively quick (as someone would sound if they were ranting/venting emotionally) but obviously not so fast that you can't understand what's being said (just definitely not a deliberately/dramatically slow read).
***[Maybe uncontrollable "Gobble gobble" inserted throughout whenever he's angry/emotional? Maybe. Only if it sounds right. Not necessary and not a deal-breaker if you have the right voice but can't pull off the "gobble"] [Cheerful/happy/energetic voice of a turkey to start]
Hello! You've reached the voicemail of a Thanksgiving turkey. I can't come to the phone right now, [the voice turns angry and/or sarcastic] BECAUSE I'M DEAD!!!**
[The voice is now either angry or sarcastic or a combination of the two]
Yes, that's right. I'm f*cking dead. Because it's Thanksgiving time - and you know what Thanksgiving is, right? A time to reflect? A time to give thanks? A time to gather with those you love?
WRONG!** It’s a time for the massive slaughter of millions of innocent turkeys! A sadistic bloodletting of birds, whose only crime is that we're tasty!**
What if there was some holiday where millions of golden retrievers were killed and eaten? You'd hate that, wouldn't you? You'd be like, oh the humanity. How in the world could anybody do that?
But when it happens to turkeys, you're like "Whoopdie-f*ckin-doo-dah, pass the cranberry sauce.
Hey, I'm sorry that I can't fly. And that I look stupid and that I make a dumb sound. But is that a reason to kill me?!?**
I gobble. I'm sorry. I gobble. You think I don't hate myself every day for that? I know I'm ridiculous. It doesn't mean I deserve to be killed, and then have a bunch of stuffing shoved up my ass.**
But payback's a bitch and we're gonna get our revenge alright. It’s a plan four hundred years in the making. You may have taken me down, but not before I did a little organizing. I can say no more except "Thursday, November 26, 2009: The turkeys strike back!" If you thought Swine Flu was bad, just wait until you see what us turkey's have in store. Be afraid, bitches. Be VERY afraid.**
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