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Voice needed to record CD set.
LTK91010713599X
I am looking for a narrator for a new audiobook I am producing. Around 5 Hrs. need recorded.
Based on the Gnostic origins of Christianity, this 4 CD set features lines from several different characters, so I need a narrator who is adept at going back and forth and assuming those characters with varying inflections.
The attached copy includes the voices of the Narrator, Jesus, Peter, and Mary.
?I include the Introduction to offer some perspective on the content that follows. ??If you'd like to submit an audition demo, please just read a paragraph or two of the Introduction and then all or parts of the text for Chapter 1 that include the 3 'characters' therein.
Thank you very much!
Budget $ 1000 +
@ May 03, 2007 18:47:25 (GMT -05:00) Eastern Time (US & Canada) May 08, 2007 00:00:00 (GMT -05:00) Eastern Time (US & Canada) No (click here to learn more about
)
Closed
47
9
0 direct invitation(s) have been sent by the voice seeker resulting in 0 audition(s) and/or proposal(s) so far.
Based on the Gnostic origins of Christianity, this 4 CD set features lines from several different characters, so I need a narrator who is adept at going back and forth and assuming those characters with varying inflections.
The attached copy includes the voices of the Narrator, Jesus, Peter, and Mary.
?I include the Introduction to offer some perspective on the content that follows. ??If you'd like to submit an audition demo, please just read a paragraph or two of the Introduction and then all or parts of the text for Chapter 1 that include the 3 'characters' therein.
Thank you very much!
Budget $ 1000 +
@ May 03, 2007 18:47:25 (GMT -05:00) Eastern Time (US & Canada) May 08, 2007 00:00:00 (GMT -05:00) Eastern Time (US & Canada) No (click here to learn more about
)
Closed
47
9
0 direct invitation(s) have been sent by the voice seeker resulting in 0 audition(s) and/or proposal(s) so far.
Project Parameters
None
Flexible - USD 1000
Promos
English - North American
Not defined
Middle Age Male
• Phone Patch
There are no special pre-, post-, or production requirements for this project.
Not defined
Not defined
No
Not defined
Script Details
Yes
Introduction
In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus famously declares: “All that is hidden will be revealed.” This prophecy would certainly seem to have been fulfilled when it comes to the history of Christianity itself. In the last few decades, the discovery and publication of a flood of early Christian texts, popularly known as “Gnostic gospels,” has forced scholars to completely revise their understanding of the origins and meaning of Christianity.
In 1977 James M. Robinson and his team published The Nag Hammadi Library, which contained a collection of Gnostic texts discovered in Egypt in 1945. More recently, in 2006, Rodolphe Kasser published the Gospel of Judas. Such “heretical” texts were suppressed by the Vatican in the fourth and fifth centuries c.e., but it has long been suspected by conspiracy theorists that copies were secretly retained in the Vatican Library.
This idea has found little favor with serious academics. In 2005, however, an archivist at the Vatican Library, known for legal reasons as “V,” made contact with revisionist historians Timothy Freke and Peter Gandy and offered some startling information. V had been so impressed by Freke and Gandy’s groundbreaking work on the Gnostic origins of Christianity that he decided he was morally obliged to inform them that the library had not only possessed a copy of the Gospel of Judas for centuries but also housed many other Gnostic manuscripts that endorsed their controversial ideas.
At their initial meeting, Freke and Gandy asked V to provide concrete evidence that the Vatican was in possession of unpublished Gnostic texts. Although initially reluctant, V eventually responded by presenting them with a facsimile copy of an ancient manuscript that’s being presented to the public for the first time in this book.
Like so many Gnostic writings, this text is largely incomprehensible. Nevertheless, it has disturbing ramifications which will shock academics and Christians alike.
To understand the Gnostics we need to go beyond our habitual ways of seeing and look at things from a different direction.
Chapter 1
And so it came to pass that Jesus spoke to the twelve, saying: “I will reveal to you the mystery of mysteries, which it is my ministry to disclose. The good news that leads to eternal life. The truth that will set you free. Be not afraid when I tell you that I am not who you think I am. I am not a man of flesh and blood. In fact, I don’t really exist at all. I am the fictional hero of an allegorical myth.”
A great silence fell upon the disciples, and Jesus added, “I know it’s a bit of a shock.”
Then Peter spoke in amazement, saying, “Lord, I understand not the wisdom of your words.”
And Jesus replied, “Listen up and I will reveal the astonishing truth. What I am exists far beyond this world we inhabit. Jesus is a character in a story, and I am the Author speaking through Jesus.”
Peter looked gobsmacked, so the Lord explained, “I am the Creator of the story, so I am everything in the story. I am this rock and that piece of wood. Whatever you do to anyone, you do to me. Look inside yourself and I am there. Do you get it now?”
“You’re saying you’re God!” announced Peter enthusiastically. “I like the sound of that. It’s a bit blasphemous, but extremely impressive. And as one of your close disciples, it makes me look good.”
“That’s just theological twaddle. I’m trying to tell you something obvious about our predicament right now,” complained Jesus impatiently. “You and I are characters in a story being imagined by the Author. We don’t really exist.”
“Look, Lord, we’ll never set up the biggest religious cult in history with this ‘no one really exists’ nonsense,” advised Peter. “Leave the philosophy to Socrates. Think of your market. Stick with the simple parables and homey homilies: The Good Samaritan . . . you know, that sort of thing.”
“But we’re in a parable right now, for Heaven’s sake,” replied Jesus, beginning to find Peter irritating as always. “This is a fable, and we’re symbolic figures in it. Understand and be astonished.”
“I’m astonished, all right! I’ve been going along with your crazy ideas for a year now, but to be honest, I’ve had enough. One minute you’re God, then you’re just a man . . . and then you don’t exist at all. Next you’re going to tell me that your water-into-wine stunt was a cheap conjuring trick done with mirrors.”
“Speculating about how I pulled off my miracles is a complete waste of time, because I didn’t really do any miracles!”
“I’m not sure about this new direction, Jesus,” complained Peter. “I like my heroes to be historical. And I like my miracles to be genuine supernatural anomalies.”
“It’s not a new direction; it’s just the truth,” insisted Jesus. “I’ve always referred to myself as ‘the Son of Man,’ which is a Semitic idiom meaning simply ‘a man’—any man. It’s a literary device to show that I’m an Everyman figure in a symbolic myth.”
“Well, you’re a lot more than that to me, Lord. As far as I’m concerned, you walk on water. Literally!”
“It’s a metaphor, for Christ’s sake!” said Jesus, unable to contain his exasperation.
Peter felt the anger of the Lord and fell into penitential silence. Finally, he said sheepishly, “I have no idea what you are talking about, Jesus. Sorry.”
“Of course you don’t, dear Peter,” said Jesus, adopting a shepherdly tone. “You represent the foolish person in this story, which is why I gave you the name ‘Peter,’ meaning ‘clod.’ You play the part of a clod who doesn’t really get it, whilst I play the lucid mouthpiece for the wisdom of the Author.”
“That doesn’t sound very fair,” muttered Peter, a bit put out.
“Fair or unfair is irrelevant. We don’t exist. We’re made-up characters in a story.”
“Well, what about Mary?” asked Peter petulantly. “I suppose she’s real enough! You’ll look pretty sad if it turns out that you’ve been sleeping with an imaginary woman!”
“Whoa, Peter,” cautioned Jesus. “You know there’s nothing about any of that in the Jesus story. At least not in the official version.”
Then Mary Magdalene spoke, saying, “Yes, Lord, please do tell. I suppose that I don’t really exist either? And as a woman, I find that disappointingly patriarchal.”
And Jesus answered, “You’re also a character in this great story. You play the part of the foolish soul who is lost in the world, searching for love in all the wrong places. But you’re redeemed by the Christ and become the wise soul who listens and understands.”
“I didn’t understand a word of that,” declared Mary, because she was usually pretty honest, although she did occasionally tell a few white lies about her past.
“You don’t understand yet,” Jesus reassured her. “But you will by the end of this gospel.”
“I’m sure you’re right. You’re always right,” conceded Mary, because she was on a bit of a guru trip with Jesus and wrongly assumed that he was infallible about everything.
“It’s only because I am the voice of the Author who has the prerogative of deciding what will turn out to be right,” confessed Jesus.
“So let me get this straight,” said Mary. “You’re saying that this is just a story.”
“Bingo!” exclaimed Jesus anachronistically.
Introduction
In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus famously declares: “All that is hidden will be revealed.” This prophecy would certainly seem to have been fulfilled when it comes to the history of Christianity itself. In the last few decades, the discovery and publication of a flood of early Christian texts, popularly known as “Gnostic gospels,” has forced scholars to completely revise their understanding of the origins and meaning of Christianity.
In 1977 James M. Robinson and his team published The Nag Hammadi Library, which contained a collection of Gnostic texts discovered in Egypt in 1945. More recently, in 2006, Rodolphe Kasser published the Gospel of Judas. Such “heretical” texts were suppressed by the Vatican in the fourth and fifth centuries c.e., but it has long been suspected by conspiracy theorists that copies were secretly retained in the Vatican Library.
This idea has found little favor with serious academics. In 2005, however, an archivist at the Vatican Library, known for legal reasons as “V,” made contact with revisionist historians Timothy Freke and Peter Gandy and offered some startling information. V had been so impressed by Freke and Gandy’s groundbreaking work on the Gnostic origins of Christianity that he decided he was morally obliged to inform them that the library had not only possessed a copy of the Gospel of Judas for centuries but also housed many other Gnostic manuscripts that endorsed their controversial ideas.
At their initial meeting, Freke and Gandy asked V to provide concrete evidence that the Vatican was in possession of unpublished Gnostic texts. Although initially reluctant, V eventually responded by presenting them with a facsimile copy of an ancient manuscript that’s being presented to the public for the first time in this book.
Like so many Gnostic writings, this text is largely incomprehensible. Nevertheless, it has disturbing ramifications which will shock academics and Christians alike.
To understand the Gnostics we need to go beyond our habitual ways of seeing and look at things from a different direction.
Chapter 1
And so it came to pass that Jesus spoke to the twelve, saying: “I will reveal to you the mystery of mysteries, which it is my ministry to disclose. The good news that leads to eternal life. The truth that will set you free. Be not afraid when I tell you that I am not who you think I am. I am not a man of flesh and blood. In fact, I don’t really exist at all. I am the fictional hero of an allegorical myth.”
A great silence fell upon the disciples, and Jesus added, “I know it’s a bit of a shock.”
Then Peter spoke in amazement, saying, “Lord, I understand not the wisdom of your words.”
And Jesus replied, “Listen up and I will reveal the astonishing truth. What I am exists far beyond this world we inhabit. Jesus is a character in a story, and I am the Author speaking through Jesus.”
Peter looked gobsmacked, so the Lord explained, “I am the Creator of the story, so I am everything in the story. I am this rock and that piece of wood. Whatever you do to anyone, you do to me. Look inside yourself and I am there. Do you get it now?”
“You’re saying you’re God!” announced Peter enthusiastically. “I like the sound of that. It’s a bit blasphemous, but extremely impressive. And as one of your close disciples, it makes me look good.”
“That’s just theological twaddle. I’m trying to tell you something obvious about our predicament right now,” complained Jesus impatiently. “You and I are characters in a story being imagined by the Author. We don’t really exist.”
“Look, Lord, we’ll never set up the biggest religious cult in history with this ‘no one really exists’ nonsense,” advised Peter. “Leave the philosophy to Socrates. Think of your market. Stick with the simple parables and homey homilies: The Good Samaritan . . . you know, that sort of thing.”
“But we’re in a parable right now, for Heaven’s sake,” replied Jesus, beginning to find Peter irritating as always. “This is a fable, and we’re symbolic figures in it. Understand and be astonished.”
“I’m astonished, all right! I’ve been going along with your crazy ideas for a year now, but to be honest, I’ve had enough. One minute you’re God, then you’re just a man . . . and then you don’t exist at all. Next you’re going to tell me that your water-into-wine stunt was a cheap conjuring trick done with mirrors.”
“Speculating about how I pulled off my miracles is a complete waste of time, because I didn’t really do any miracles!”
“I’m not sure about this new direction, Jesus,” complained Peter. “I like my heroes to be historical. And I like my miracles to be genuine supernatural anomalies.”
“It’s not a new direction; it’s just the truth,” insisted Jesus. “I’ve always referred to myself as ‘the Son of Man,’ which is a Semitic idiom meaning simply ‘a man’—any man. It’s a literary device to show that I’m an Everyman figure in a symbolic myth.”
“Well, you’re a lot more than that to me, Lord. As far as I’m concerned, you walk on water. Literally!”
“It’s a metaphor, for Christ’s sake!” said Jesus, unable to contain his exasperation.
Peter felt the anger of the Lord and fell into penitential silence. Finally, he said sheepishly, “I have no idea what you are talking about, Jesus. Sorry.”
“Of course you don’t, dear Peter,” said Jesus, adopting a shepherdly tone. “You represent the foolish person in this story, which is why I gave you the name ‘Peter,’ meaning ‘clod.’ You play the part of a clod who doesn’t really get it, whilst I play the lucid mouthpiece for the wisdom of the Author.”
“That doesn’t sound very fair,” muttered Peter, a bit put out.
“Fair or unfair is irrelevant. We don’t exist. We’re made-up characters in a story.”
“Well, what about Mary?” asked Peter petulantly. “I suppose she’s real enough! You’ll look pretty sad if it turns out that you’ve been sleeping with an imaginary woman!”
“Whoa, Peter,” cautioned Jesus. “You know there’s nothing about any of that in the Jesus story. At least not in the official version.”
Then Mary Magdalene spoke, saying, “Yes, Lord, please do tell. I suppose that I don’t really exist either? And as a woman, I find that disappointingly patriarchal.”
And Jesus answered, “You’re also a character in this great story. You play the part of the foolish soul who is lost in the world, searching for love in all the wrong places. But you’re redeemed by the Christ and become the wise soul who listens and understands.”
“I didn’t understand a word of that,” declared Mary, because she was usually pretty honest, although she did occasionally tell a few white lies about her past.
“You don’t understand yet,” Jesus reassured her. “But you will by the end of this gospel.”
“I’m sure you’re right. You’re always right,” conceded Mary, because she was on a bit of a guru trip with Jesus and wrongly assumed that he was infallible about everything.
“It’s only because I am the voice of the Author who has the prerogative of deciding what will turn out to be right,” confessed Jesus.
“So let me get this straight,” said Mary. “You’re saying that this is just a story.”
“Bingo!” exclaimed Jesus anachronistically.
In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus famously declares: “All that is hidden will be revealed.” This prophecy would certainly seem to have been fulfilled when it comes to the history of Christianity itself. In the last few decades, the discovery and publication of a flood of early Christian texts, popularly known as “Gnostic gospels,” has forced scholars to completely revise their understanding of the origins and meaning of Christianity.
In 1977 James M. Robinson and his team published The Nag Hammadi Library, which contained a collection of Gnostic texts discovered in Egypt in 1945. More recently, in 2006, Rodolphe Kasser published the Gospel of Judas. Such “heretical” texts were suppressed by the Vatican in the fourth and fifth centuries c.e., but it has long been suspected by conspiracy theorists that copies were secretly retained in the Vatican Library.
This idea has found little favor with serious academics. In 2005, however, an archivist at the Vatican Library, known for legal reasons as “V,” made contact with revisionist historians Timothy Freke and Peter Gandy and offered some startling information. V had been so impressed by Freke and Gandy’s groundbreaking work on the Gnostic origins of Christianity that he decided he was morally obliged to inform them that the library had not only possessed a copy of the Gospel of Judas for centuries but also housed many other Gnostic manuscripts that endorsed their controversial ideas.
At their initial meeting, Freke and Gandy asked V to provide concrete evidence that the Vatican was in possession of unpublished Gnostic texts. Although initially reluctant, V eventually responded by presenting them with a facsimile copy of an ancient manuscript that’s being presented to the public for the first time in this book.
Like so many Gnostic writings, this text is largely incomprehensible. Nevertheless, it has disturbing ramifications which will shock academics and Christians alike.
To understand the Gnostics we need to go beyond our habitual ways of seeing and look at things from a different direction.
Chapter 1
And so it came to pass that Jesus spoke to the twelve, saying: “I will reveal to you the mystery of mysteries, which it is my ministry to disclose. The good news that leads to eternal life. The truth that will set you free. Be not afraid when I tell you that I am not who you think I am. I am not a man of flesh and blood. In fact, I don’t really exist at all. I am the fictional hero of an allegorical myth.”
A great silence fell upon the disciples, and Jesus added, “I know it’s a bit of a shock.”
Then Peter spoke in amazement, saying, “Lord, I understand not the wisdom of your words.”
And Jesus replied, “Listen up and I will reveal the astonishing truth. What I am exists far beyond this world we inhabit. Jesus is a character in a story, and I am the Author speaking through Jesus.”
Peter looked gobsmacked, so the Lord explained, “I am the Creator of the story, so I am everything in the story. I am this rock and that piece of wood. Whatever you do to anyone, you do to me. Look inside yourself and I am there. Do you get it now?”
“You’re saying you’re God!” announced Peter enthusiastically. “I like the sound of that. It’s a bit blasphemous, but extremely impressive. And as one of your close disciples, it makes me look good.”
“That’s just theological twaddle. I’m trying to tell you something obvious about our predicament right now,” complained Jesus impatiently. “You and I are characters in a story being imagined by the Author. We don’t really exist.”
“Look, Lord, we’ll never set up the biggest religious cult in history with this ‘no one really exists’ nonsense,” advised Peter. “Leave the philosophy to Socrates. Think of your market. Stick with the simple parables and homey homilies: The Good Samaritan . . . you know, that sort of thing.”
“But we’re in a parable right now, for Heaven’s sake,” replied Jesus, beginning to find Peter irritating as always. “This is a fable, and we’re symbolic figures in it. Understand and be astonished.”
“I’m astonished, all right! I’ve been going along with your crazy ideas for a year now, but to be honest, I’ve had enough. One minute you’re God, then you’re just a man . . . and then you don’t exist at all. Next you’re going to tell me that your water-into-wine stunt was a cheap conjuring trick done with mirrors.”
“Speculating about how I pulled off my miracles is a complete waste of time, because I didn’t really do any miracles!”
“I’m not sure about this new direction, Jesus,” complained Peter. “I like my heroes to be historical. And I like my miracles to be genuine supernatural anomalies.”
“It’s not a new direction; it’s just the truth,” insisted Jesus. “I’ve always referred to myself as ‘the Son of Man,’ which is a Semitic idiom meaning simply ‘a man’—any man. It’s a literary device to show that I’m an Everyman figure in a symbolic myth.”
“Well, you’re a lot more than that to me, Lord. As far as I’m concerned, you walk on water. Literally!”
“It’s a metaphor, for Christ’s sake!” said Jesus, unable to contain his exasperation.
Peter felt the anger of the Lord and fell into penitential silence. Finally, he said sheepishly, “I have no idea what you are talking about, Jesus. Sorry.”
“Of course you don’t, dear Peter,” said Jesus, adopting a shepherdly tone. “You represent the foolish person in this story, which is why I gave you the name ‘Peter,’ meaning ‘clod.’ You play the part of a clod who doesn’t really get it, whilst I play the lucid mouthpiece for the wisdom of the Author.”
“That doesn’t sound very fair,” muttered Peter, a bit put out.
“Fair or unfair is irrelevant. We don’t exist. We’re made-up characters in a story.”
“Well, what about Mary?” asked Peter petulantly. “I suppose she’s real enough! You’ll look pretty sad if it turns out that you’ve been sleeping with an imaginary woman!”
“Whoa, Peter,” cautioned Jesus. “You know there’s nothing about any of that in the Jesus story. At least not in the official version.”
Then Mary Magdalene spoke, saying, “Yes, Lord, please do tell. I suppose that I don’t really exist either? And as a woman, I find that disappointingly patriarchal.”
And Jesus answered, “You’re also a character in this great story. You play the part of the foolish soul who is lost in the world, searching for love in all the wrong places. But you’re redeemed by the Christ and become the wise soul who listens and understands.”
“I didn’t understand a word of that,” declared Mary, because she was usually pretty honest, although she did occasionally tell a few white lies about her past.
“You don’t understand yet,” Jesus reassured her. “But you will by the end of this gospel.”
“I’m sure you’re right. You’re always right,” conceded Mary, because she was on a bit of a guru trip with Jesus and wrongly assumed that he was infallible about everything.
“It’s only because I am the voice of the Author who has the prerogative of deciding what will turn out to be right,” confessed Jesus.
“So let me get this straight,” said Mary. “You’re saying that this is just a story.”
“Bingo!” exclaimed Jesus anachronistically.
Introduction
In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus famously declares: “All that is hidden will be revealed.” This prophecy would certainly seem to have been fulfilled when it comes to the history of Christianity itself. In the last few decades, the discovery and publication of a flood of early Christian texts, popularly known as “Gnostic gospels,” has forced scholars to completely revise their understanding of the origins and meaning of Christianity.
In 1977 James M. Robinson and his team published The Nag Hammadi Library, which contained a collection of Gnostic texts discovered in Egypt in 1945. More recently, in 2006, Rodolphe Kasser published the Gospel of Judas. Such “heretical” texts were suppressed by the Vatican in the fourth and fifth centuries c.e., but it has long been suspected by conspiracy theorists that copies were secretly retained in the Vatican Library.
This idea has found little favor with serious academics. In 2005, however, an archivist at the Vatican Library, known for legal reasons as “V,” made contact with revisionist historians Timothy Freke and Peter Gandy and offered some startling information. V had been so impressed by Freke and Gandy’s groundbreaking work on the Gnostic origins of Christianity that he decided he was morally obliged to inform them that the library had not only possessed a copy of the Gospel of Judas for centuries but also housed many other Gnostic manuscripts that endorsed their controversial ideas.
At their initial meeting, Freke and Gandy asked V to provide concrete evidence that the Vatican was in possession of unpublished Gnostic texts. Although initially reluctant, V eventually responded by presenting them with a facsimile copy of an ancient manuscript that’s being presented to the public for the first time in this book.
Like so many Gnostic writings, this text is largely incomprehensible. Nevertheless, it has disturbing ramifications which will shock academics and Christians alike.
To understand the Gnostics we need to go beyond our habitual ways of seeing and look at things from a different direction.
Chapter 1
And so it came to pass that Jesus spoke to the twelve, saying: “I will reveal to you the mystery of mysteries, which it is my ministry to disclose. The good news that leads to eternal life. The truth that will set you free. Be not afraid when I tell you that I am not who you think I am. I am not a man of flesh and blood. In fact, I don’t really exist at all. I am the fictional hero of an allegorical myth.”
A great silence fell upon the disciples, and Jesus added, “I know it’s a bit of a shock.”
Then Peter spoke in amazement, saying, “Lord, I understand not the wisdom of your words.”
And Jesus replied, “Listen up and I will reveal the astonishing truth. What I am exists far beyond this world we inhabit. Jesus is a character in a story, and I am the Author speaking through Jesus.”
Peter looked gobsmacked, so the Lord explained, “I am the Creator of the story, so I am everything in the story. I am this rock and that piece of wood. Whatever you do to anyone, you do to me. Look inside yourself and I am there. Do you get it now?”
“You’re saying you’re God!” announced Peter enthusiastically. “I like the sound of that. It’s a bit blasphemous, but extremely impressive. And as one of your close disciples, it makes me look good.”
“That’s just theological twaddle. I’m trying to tell you something obvious about our predicament right now,” complained Jesus impatiently. “You and I are characters in a story being imagined by the Author. We don’t really exist.”
“Look, Lord, we’ll never set up the biggest religious cult in history with this ‘no one really exists’ nonsense,” advised Peter. “Leave the philosophy to Socrates. Think of your market. Stick with the simple parables and homey homilies: The Good Samaritan . . . you know, that sort of thing.”
“But we’re in a parable right now, for Heaven’s sake,” replied Jesus, beginning to find Peter irritating as always. “This is a fable, and we’re symbolic figures in it. Understand and be astonished.”
“I’m astonished, all right! I’ve been going along with your crazy ideas for a year now, but to be honest, I’ve had enough. One minute you’re God, then you’re just a man . . . and then you don’t exist at all. Next you’re going to tell me that your water-into-wine stunt was a cheap conjuring trick done with mirrors.”
“Speculating about how I pulled off my miracles is a complete waste of time, because I didn’t really do any miracles!”
“I’m not sure about this new direction, Jesus,” complained Peter. “I like my heroes to be historical. And I like my miracles to be genuine supernatural anomalies.”
“It’s not a new direction; it’s just the truth,” insisted Jesus. “I’ve always referred to myself as ‘the Son of Man,’ which is a Semitic idiom meaning simply ‘a man’—any man. It’s a literary device to show that I’m an Everyman figure in a symbolic myth.”
“Well, you’re a lot more than that to me, Lord. As far as I’m concerned, you walk on water. Literally!”
“It’s a metaphor, for Christ’s sake!” said Jesus, unable to contain his exasperation.
Peter felt the anger of the Lord and fell into penitential silence. Finally, he said sheepishly, “I have no idea what you are talking about, Jesus. Sorry.”
“Of course you don’t, dear Peter,” said Jesus, adopting a shepherdly tone. “You represent the foolish person in this story, which is why I gave you the name ‘Peter,’ meaning ‘clod.’ You play the part of a clod who doesn’t really get it, whilst I play the lucid mouthpiece for the wisdom of the Author.”
“That doesn’t sound very fair,” muttered Peter, a bit put out.
“Fair or unfair is irrelevant. We don’t exist. We’re made-up characters in a story.”
“Well, what about Mary?” asked Peter petulantly. “I suppose she’s real enough! You’ll look pretty sad if it turns out that you’ve been sleeping with an imaginary woman!”
“Whoa, Peter,” cautioned Jesus. “You know there’s nothing about any of that in the Jesus story. At least not in the official version.”
Then Mary Magdalene spoke, saying, “Yes, Lord, please do tell. I suppose that I don’t really exist either? And as a woman, I find that disappointingly patriarchal.”
And Jesus answered, “You’re also a character in this great story. You play the part of the foolish soul who is lost in the world, searching for love in all the wrong places. But you’re redeemed by the Christ and become the wise soul who listens and understands.”
“I didn’t understand a word of that,” declared Mary, because she was usually pretty honest, although she did occasionally tell a few white lies about her past.
“You don’t understand yet,” Jesus reassured her. “But you will by the end of this gospel.”
“I’m sure you’re right. You’re always right,” conceded Mary, because she was on a bit of a guru trip with Jesus and wrongly assumed that he was infallible about everything.
“It’s only because I am the voice of the Author who has the prerogative of deciding what will turn out to be right,” confessed Jesus.
“So let me get this straight,” said Mary. “You’re saying that this is just a story.”
“Bingo!” exclaimed Jesus anachronistically.
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